Advertising is the one of the most profitable forms of writing, beaten only by ransom notes.

There are a lot of different ways to look at advertising. At best, it is a beautiful blend of cleverly crafted wordsmithery and at worst, it is little more than an ostentatious display of clashing clothes all desperately jostling for attention. I am not sure that advertising ever actually sells a product. Yes, it certainly raises awareness and sells the company values, but I am not sure that anyone would ever see an advert and be so inspired by it, that they would rush out and buy the product. More likely, you will hear that irritating tune of Sheila’s Wheels and you would unconsciously ram your car into whatever stood in it’s path in a fit of rage, thus writing it off.

Having said that, despite having no desire whatsoever to own a BMW, their adverts do make me want to reconsider all my beliefs. Every year, they come up with the most amazing and groundbreaking ideas that no other car company comes close to.

Apart from those smug BMW drivers out there, how many of us have actually driven in a car that has inbuilt instant messaging? Think of the times you are following a car crawling down the fast lane, completely oblivious to the oblivion of fury building up behind them? You know that you shouldn’t drive up their arse, but what can you do? Well, BMW invented a system to avoid such road rage. With your BMW Instant Messaging, you can share an inoffensive and polite warning to the driver in front that they are causing a holdup. This multipurpose system does not just stop road rage, it also helps to prevent traffic jams and pile ups as conscientious drivers can now warn oncoming traffic about queues and accidents ahead.

This system was first designed in 2008 and the effects it has had on road rage has been incredible. I’m just waiting for Hyundai to come up with a similar system for my car. However, in the meantime, I carry a pad of A3 paper and a magic marker for just such an occasion.

BMW’s designs are not only designed to make your driving safer, they also serve to make your car a nicer environment to be in. The Canine Repellent Alloy Protection speaks for itself really, but for those who need a little more introduction, it stops those nasty little blighters from spoiling your alloys. Although it may seem cruel at first, dogs are very intelligent animals and they only need one little electric shock to teach them to distinguish between BMW’s and lesser (presumably piss covered) cars.

As is often the case, I have suffered hugely from my cheaper and inferior technology; my hub caps are dirty and soiled, the metal mechanics of my wheel are rusted and falling to pieces and all because I don’t own a BMW. My dog has learnt that the next door neighbours Beamer is a no go area, which quite frankly has made mine more of a target. If only I owned a BMW.

BMW have had a lot of criticism for not being a green and environmentally concerned company and 2009 was the year they aimed to change that. With the Magnetic Tow Technology, you could simply cut your engine and continue your journey at the press of a button. The 2009 range of BMWs are fitted with strong magnets beneath their grills so that they can “catch a ride” from the car in front, thus saving you fuel and lessening your carbon footprint.

This amazing innovation is something I have tried to replicate, but short of fitting a tow hitch to the front of my car, hooking up to an unsuspecting person in a petrol station and praying they are going my way, I have failed. Time and time again, we are seeing just why BMW are market leaders and Hyundai are trailing some way in the distance.

BMW are constantly working to be innovative and ahead of the times and it is with this in mind that they released their latest technology. The Political Roundel Attachment Tag. With an upcoming general election, our politicians are desperately trying to sweep the nation into a political frenzy and what better way to show your allegiance than on your car? With this prominent badge, you can drive around comfortable in the knowledge that you are supporting your favourite political party.

The Political Roundel Attachment Tag is easy to fit and as such, easy to swap or change should you have a sudden change of heart. This is an ideal feature for the floating voter as they can change the badge as much, or as often, as they like.

For those who know me, know that I travel in a slightly inconspicuous automobile. It is a lovely Hyundai Getz; small, compact and “hip hop red”. Many of you will have seen red cars before, but none that even come close to the hue of mine. It screams red as it crawls along the road with gusto and cheer and I’m not sure that this represents me politically. I wouldn’t say that I have been overly impressed with the Labour government of late, so driving a car that is screaming Labour is just another failing of the Hyundai brand, where BMW would have stepped in and smoothed my problems over for me.

*There is a rumour that some of this may be an elaborate hoax.


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